Memoir

Sunshine and Sadness

            It is amazing how fast something in life can change. It was one sunny afternoon in March that would drastically alter my life forever.  One minute I was sitting at the Coal Train laughing with my friends, the next minute I was receiving a life changing phone call.  I suddenly felt my world crumbling around me.  I was falling and I couldn’t seem to get my footing to help myself up. 

The phone call I received that sunny afternoon was from my mom saying that she and my dad were on the way to the nursing home in Paonia, because my grandma wasn’t doing very well again.  I immediately asked if I needed to come home and go with them to see my grandma.  They said no, they were just going to check it out and that they didn’t think it was that drastic.  So, I went home and impatiently waited for my parents to return.  When they got home and my mom walked through the door I could tell it was worse than I feared.  She was crying and told me that there was a great possibility that we could lose my grandma that very night.  I started bawling and told my mom that I had to go to Paonia and see her before it was too late.

The drive to Paonia was the longest twenty minutes I have ever experienced in my life.  The whole time I was driving tears were streaming down my face.  I walked into the building and every nurse I saw told me how sorry they were and how great of a lady my grandma was.  Nobody wanted her to go, but everybody knew it would be better since she would finally be put out of her misery. 

I walked into my grandma’s room and instantly saw the pain she was feeling in her eyes.  She tried to tell me that she loved me, but she couldn’t get the words out.  However, I could tell exactly what she was trying to say just by the way she looked at me.  I stood there, holding her hand and crying over her.  I told her that it was okay to let go if that’s what she wanted.  If she was ready to go home to God, then that’s what she should do.  I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.  I hated her seeing me break down like that, so after spending what I thought would be my last moments with her, I left.  That whole night I was a total wreck and I feared what news I would wake up to in the morning.    As it turned out, my grandma did not pass away that night. 

My grandma had a disease called Parkinson’s Plus for over six years.  It took everything away from her, especially her independence.  My family and I cared for her for the last three years of her life.  At first it was easy tasks, such as checking in on her, doing her laundry, buying her groceries, etc.  Then as she got worse it became more difficult.  She could no longer live alone so my parents did a selfless act and moved her into our home.  My grandma lived with us for over eight months.  During those eight months, my family had to do practically everything for her because she was no longer able. 

My grandma never wanted to end up the way she was.  She was a very strong-willed woman and she fought hard.  Even though this disease was very hard on my grandma and took its toll on her life, she believed it was better than the alternative, dying.  So she clung to the few things she still had in life that she enjoyed, like spending time with her family.   

As time went on and her disease progressed, she slowly started losing faith.  Especially after we had to put her in the nursing home because she was so sick we could no longer care for her.  That was not the place she wanted to be.  She wanted to be at home with the ones she loved.  We wanted her here with us just as badly; it just was no longer possible. My parents did what they thought was best for her, and my grandma never once resented them for that. 

It was really hard to see someone I loved so much be in such excruciating pain.  As her time in the nursing home passed, she became worse and worse.  She was slowly losing her ability to swallow, so the nurses had to put her on a pure liquid diet.  However, even liquids were extremely hard for her to swallow.  Since she was not able to eat much, just enough to keep her alive, she began rapidly losing weight.  After spending months in the nursing home, she eventually became bed ridden; she felt too much pain when they tried to move her.  The nurses began giving her morphine every few hours just to keep her comfortable.  By this point, my grandma had lost all hope.  All she could do was lie in bed all day long.  She was nothing but skin and bones, only weighing approximately 80 pounds.  Seeing her so miserable broke my family’s heart, it was not the way we wanted to remember her.  We all knew it wouldn’t be much longer before we lost her. 

It was the first day of summer.  I woke up to the phone ringing and the sun shining.  When I answered the phone I heard the saddened voice of my father.  He said that he and my mom were at the nursing home.  My grandma had just passed away.  I immediately got up, changed my clothes, brushed my teeth, got in my car and headed towards Paonia.  I remember thinking how once again I was on my way to the nursing home with tears streaming down my face.  However, this time I knew it was real.  We had already lost her.  When I arrived I walked into my grandma’s room and immediately hugged my parents.  We couldn’t believe this was the end.  My family and I were deeply saddened by my grandma’s passing, but at the same time a sense of relief flooded over us.  My grandma was finally in a better place and no longer felt the pain. 

Later that day I lay in my room thinking about my grandma’s life.  I wondered to myself why I wasn’t more broken up about my grandma’s death.  Yes, I knew it was coming, and that it was better for her this way, but I still couldn’t help wondering why the news didn’t hit me harder.  I felt guilty.  This thought reoccurred to me throughout the day, I just couldn’t shake it.  The more I thought about it the closer I came to a realization.  Eventually, I realized that in my eyes, my grandma had died that sunny day in March.  It was only her skinny, decaying body that remained for those last months.  Her soul had already passed on. 

On that sunny day in March, I thought my world was ending.  Everything had caved in and was crushing me.  I couldn’t breathe.  Now, I have regained my footing, and life has gone on.  Time heals the heart.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my grandma and what she had to go through before her death.  I miss her everyday of my life.  However, I know that she knew how much I loved her; and I find comfort in that.  Everybody experiences death; it’s not easy, but it makes you stronger.

Experiencing my grandma’s suffering has truly changed me.  I had to grow up in a hurry and find a way to deal with the difficult times in my life.  I could no longer be the weak girl that broke down at the slightest sign of trouble.  I had to find a way to be strong for my grandma and the rest of my family as well.  We all had to come together and help each other through one of the hardest times in our lives.  I know that I can go to my parents with anything and that my sister is one of my best friends.  My strength comes from my family.  Without their love and support, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.  My family means the world to me; nothing can break us apart.  My dad always says, “It’s the four of us against the world.”